So we’ve wrapped up season 12 of The Bachelorette and are gearing up for yet another season of Nick Viall (don’t get me started), so it’s only fitting that I imagine myself to be the next bachelorette in my own BDTF(1). The most eligible bachelors of biblical history are dying to pursue my hand in marriage and you are my ever-faithful go-to, Chris Harrison. Meer informatie.
In millennial fashion, these men (and their real-life stories(2)) have been transported to 2016 where there is less dust, bugs, disease, and sweat. It’s more fun this way. Plus there’s internet, Beyonce, and Chick-fil-A nuggets and that’s all I could ever really ask for.
The following men have made it to the Top 4, but I’m in desperate need of your help choosing who will receive the Final Rose. Tweet me your top pick at @ericarmcc!
- Joseph, son of Jacob (Genesis 37-50)
- Outstanding Moment: Our first one-on-one. Truly a dream.
- Present-Day Vibe: Cookie-cutter cute guy. Think Harry Styles without tattoos. Or my nemesis, Ben Higgins.
- What I Like About Him: Joseph also grew up a shepherd; you can tell in his patience. He’s incredibly mature and faithful. Of all the guys, he has the most integrity and that’s reeeally attractive. He has great style—that’s important. Also v pure—important. Doesn’t want to initiate anything physical, which shows that he puts God first and cares about my purity, too.
- Red Flags to Consider: He’s suffered through a lot and that comes with baggage if it’s not handled correctly. His brothers are DRAMA, but he’s continuously gracious towards them. That’s really attractive.
- Honest Chances of This Working Out: 4/5. Again, I see it happening, but he’s kind of boring.
- King David (1 Samuel 16 – 1 Kings 2)
- Outstanding Moment: First Impression Rose
- Present-Day Vibe: Most Popular Guy in School, Drake-ish
- What I Like About Him: David grew up a shepherd, so he has this country boy charm about him. He has callouses on his hands to prove it, so I know he’s a hard worker. He’s super adventurous—he even told me once about this giant he killed when he was like twelve or something. So BA. Compassionate and open. He’s a worshipper. A fighter. Everything I really want.
- Red Flags to Consider: Um…he’s really entertaining, but like, doesn’t get my jokes. I’d probably have to do outdoorsy things with him. He’s slept with a married woman before and then had her husband killed, but I mean, I have a past, too. The lack of self-control is concerning. BUT, I could be the queen of Israel, so that changes things. Right?
- Honest Chances of This Working Out: 3/5. I see it happening, but I’m not sure that it would work out long term. I’m kind of intimidated by him.
- Gideon (Judges 6-8)
- Outstanding Moment: Two weeks ago, he planned a date where we got to pretend to be Katniss and Peeta
- Present-Day Vibe: Thor meets Zayn. IDK.
- What I Like About Him: He’s mysterious and passionate. Kind of a bad boy. Stirs the pot because he doesn’t put up with BS. He’s super courageous and I believe with my whole heart that if it came down to my honor, he’d win in a fist fight.
- Red Flags to Consider: Has been really skeptical of this process the whole season and requires a lot of attention from me. Deep set trust issues.
- Honest Chances of This Working Out: 2/5. I want to fix him, which is dangerous. And I honestly don’t think he needs to be in a relationship right now…
- King Solomon (1 Kings 3-11)
- Outstanding moment: Continuous wit on group dates
- Present-Day Vibe: Donald. Glover.
- What I Like About Him: He’s funny af. I feel like we get each other. I like that he’s way smarter than me. I like that he’s artistic and open-minded. We have the same taste in music. Also suuuuper rich. He could literally buy me Paris.
- Red Flags to Consider: He and his dad being on the same season has been weird. Obviously I’m into both of them and Solomon is just super insecure about it. Can be superficial at times. Sometimes when we travel to a different country, I catch him looking at other girls¿
- Honest Chances of This Working Out: 3/5. He’s awesome, but I get this feeling that he won’t stay committed to me. I don’t want to settle for a guy with a wandering eye.
Obviously all of these guys are great in their own way and point to Jesus in a way that helps me love God more and see Him more clearly. This decision is hard. Who should I choose?!
(1) Kim Kardashian probably wouldn’t get this and she’s his wife. It’s fine.
(2) Meaning that we know their full story outlined in Scripture.